All I Want For Christmas is You.

But this will work too :) Last night Mark got to call for the third day in a row! The deployment is coming to a quick end (yaaaay) so now he's got a lot more "idaf" time. Well last night he called me, and told me that when I go to the mall tomorrow to pick this beauty up. Her name is Stella Amelia Justice and she is my baby girl <3 I'm serious about that name, btw. I am obsessed with it, I cannot go more than 60 seconds without looking at it. I got a GREAT deal on it, saved almost 50% on the price because I told the woman who was working with me that I couldn't go over a certain price. She knocked off nearly a grand! I am so in love with the bracelet and I am so damn in love with my husband. I know love shouldn't be monetary, and it isn't, but it sure as hell doesn't hurt to marry a man who buys you lots of shinys :P Uhg, I cannot get over this thing.

Also, incase you haven't noticed my little weight loss tracker, I am 15 pounds down, officially at my deployment goal, 1 pound extra actually. I am pretty damn impressed with my tummy as well. I'm starting to get abs! Now I have to work extra hard this last month & a half to make sure my body is in tip top shape for Mark. If I get shinys he gets a killer body to come home to :)

All in all, I am so proud of myself, but I am more proud of how amazing a man I married. Everything he does is for my happiness, and I could not ask for a better person to spend the rest of my life with. I am so blessed.

Hello world, hope you're listening.

Forgive me if I'm young, or speaking out of turn, but there's someone I've been missing and I think, no, KNOW they are the better half of me.

8 months & 18 days.

It has been 8 months & 18 days since I last felt his hand intertwined in mine. 8 months & 18 days since I last felt his lips speaking onto mine. His eye peering into mine. His warmth cradling me throughout the night. I have been waking myself up every morning, going to bed alone every night, and wandering this empty house for 8 months & 18 days without him.

Why do I do it? HOW do I do it? I am so strong. So brave. I have held it together so well. What is it like? The questions I am asked frequently from people who have just found out that he is gone. I could never do it. That is what most of them say. So why do I do it? How do I do it. How am I so brave & strong. How do I keep it together so damn well?

I do it because I have to. Because doing this is much easier than not. I would rather go three years without seeing him if it meant I still got to see him after those three years. I still got to stand in a crowded hanger, looking into his eyes through all of the other eyes looking around trying to find the eyes the lost 10 months ago. If I still got to run into his arms for the first time in nearly a year. I still had him. Love... Happiness. Hope. They are not having his hand to touch every day. They are knowing that even when he doesn't have your hand, he still has your heart to hold on to every day and night. I do this because it is the life he chose, and I will always stand by him. I will remember that his honor, courage, and respect (though close,) do not outweigh his love for me. I do this for him because of everything he does for me. There is not "how" I do this. There is only me doing it. There is no other thing for me to do. There is no other thing I would want to do given our situation.

I am not brave, and I am not strong. I am just good at faking it. He isn't the only one who wears camouflage to hide. I just don't voice how scared I am. I don't voice how weak I am to all of this. I don't cry that much, no. He has been gone for 8 months & 18 days and I can probably count the amount of times I have cried over him on one hand. Why would I cry? He is gone. Tears cannot bring him back. They also will not make him as happy as he makes me. Smiles do. So I buck up and cheese it up. I smile, knowing that he makes me happy, and I refuse to cry over somebody who does so much for me. He is not anything to be sad about. He is the definition of my happiness. You could do it, too. You would do it. I am not doing anything that any other wife wouldn't. If I am, then frankly you've got some reevaluating of your relationship to do. Why wouldn't you do this for your husband?

I am not a part of the silent ranks. I am not the one he left behind. I do not claim to be a military wife. I am just a wife. The future mother of his children. I am just a woman, he is just a man, and we are just in love. Not cutesy little we're so happy together in love. We are in love through the yelling. We are in love through the tears. We are in love through the distance. His arms are the only arms I will ever need, the only kiss I will ever crave, and the only man I will ever love. God forbid anything happen to him, I am confident that I will never love this deeply again. He is my everything, and I am nothing more than his. All I am doing is being a wife.

I've got his homecoming down to a two day time slot, now. In less than 50 days he will be in my arms again. I will once again cook dinner on a regular basis. I will clean the house every day instead of twice, MAYBE thrice, a week. I will take shorter showers, and spend more time in bed just laying there looking into the man I love's eyes. I won't take out the trash. I will let it get full until he takes it out, because I am a lady and ladies don't do the trash. I won't forget the take out the recycling or trash anymore, for that matter. I will use my crock pot more often. I will be scolded if I cook a dinner that consist of pasta and sauce, but no meat. Yes I have smiled for the last 8 months & 18 days, but this smile will be different. It will be brighter, bigger, and happier. I will be happier. When I have a bad day I will have a man to talk to, not a white screen that I can tell my woes to. I will have my best friend.

However far away, I will always love him.

How does it feel to be without a home.

Likes | Tumblr (clipped to polyvore.com)

DH has official reenlisted. He signed is paperwork on Thursday. I will official be without a REAL home for the next 16 plus years... and I don't mind it in the least. I am quiet content floating for the next 16 years of my life. So long as it is beside this man.
Even if he does make derp faces.

Life is a highway...

And we're finally off the on-ramp!!! I just got an email from Mark:

I have amazing news for you babe I was accepted to re enlist it is all over the wait and anxiety of it all I just go an email this morning from my career planner. The only reason why I did so much is because it was over drawn and now it really doesn’t matter. I have to go talk to my career planner and see what all I have to do to finish it up I will let you know the exact date of my re enlistment when I get it. I love you babe I miss you

How amazing is that! I am so very proud of him. I've always been proud of him, but this just takes it to a whole 'nother level. He is so strong, and I know that as hard as these next 16 years will be, the time we have to spend apart will be worth it. We can give our children the life they want. We can give ourselves the life we want... no... not we, HE can. HE is giving his family the life he wants them to have, and he is sacrificing himself for it. I will always love him for that. He is so selfless, and everything he does is for our future and our future children. He does nothing but give, and I am so happy to have him in my life. I would have been happy either way, but I am thrilled that this was the hand we were given to play. I just have to keep my eye on the prize: His retirement at 39 (or 44) years old. We will have so much time afterwards, and it will be PAID time. We will be able to have the life that Mark deserves. He will be able to give his children the life he wants them to have. No, we won't be rich, but we won't have to worry about what we're going to do if business is slow in a job outside of the military. I won't have to worry about him working way too much (not that the military doesn't make you, but in this economy it's better than civilian jobs!) There is just so much good that is going to come out of this, and I know he is as proud of himself as I am, which is the most important thing. His happiness is all I want.

I've got some more good news, btw :) At my job we got a new Director, and a new woman took over Managing us! I am so happy with how everything is. I work a shit ton of hours, which I could do without, but it makes the time go by faster so I sure as hell am not complaining! The new Director is awesome, and the new Manager is great as well. She (manager) even told me not to worry about quitting if I didn't want to, that she would give me the time off for the holidays and Mark's homecoming no problem! I don't have to quit! I didn't want to, but my old director was driving me crazy with how unorganized she was so I was just going to save the trouble of requesting off through her and just quit altogether... but now I don't have to and I know I can have the days I need to see my family for the holidays and Mark for his homecoming :) :) :) I am a happy panda.

Also, project pretty living is a-go! I got the chairs for my living room a few days ago! I had been eyeing them for awhile, and they went on sale ($130.00 each, down from 200.00 each!) and I was able to get them!! Now I need to paint, and then hang up some floating shelves, get some frames & tealight candles and this place will look like something straight out of a Home & Gardens magazine!! The living room is looks so much larger & airy now! Oh, I also need to get a new end table to put between them (I have my eye on the matching piece that goes with my coffee table, but I need to wait since it's a hundred bucks!) and I want to find a new place for the dog's bed (in the corner now) so that I can put big ass vases over there or something that looks cute :P a nice new rug would be nice, too... but I know the dogs will just destroy it like the other three area rugs we had -_____-

Welp, I think that's my update for now... I'm pretty sure I got everything in.... Yep that's it! TTFN.

We Never Fall Asleep Without Touchin' Feet.

Yes, I am alive. Just a slacker (:

I've had a recent revelation! This deployment is now at a sloppy slippery downward spiral, and I love it.

I've been working more lately, which is why I haven't blogged in almost a month. Doubles all the time, so that means I have lots of DVR'd shows to catch up on when I'm not at work. Plus I'm a loser, and got back into Puzzle Pirates so some of my free time is spent playing poker against 14 year olds, and kickin' as playing a jigsaw esq. game that helps me own pirates. Yes, I'm aware of how mature the right side of my brain is xD

The Onslow County state fair came to town last week, and I went with a new friend! It was the lamest fair in the history of lame fairs, but I enjoyed it because the person I was with was pretty cool :) I would be hanging out with her a lot more often, but I plan on quitting my job within the next few weeks, so I'm trying to save up as much money as I can, while still being able to improve the house D: It's so much harder to be sociable in the Fall/Winter. No free beach to hang out at D: But anywho... after the fair, I dropped my friend back off and on the way home a new song came on the radio. Feet by Rodney Atkins. AMAAAAAZING song. It made me cry :( But now I feel better :) I listened to that song for like three days straight, and I can listen to it without crying 99% of the time, now so w00t.

Unw00t? I've started drinking coffee D: Mostly because it helps to fill me up, also because since I've been working doubles, I've found to be getting DEATHLY tired from like 3pm-6pm everyday. And I kinda can't nap at work :/ Stupid babies not being able to take care of themselves D: (But not really... I love teh bebehz.) I'm still mastering my coffee makin' skillz though. This morning I concocted a nice warm cup of ashtray -___- I was in a hurry and didn't get a chance to take a sip before heading to work. Got in the car, started driving, took a sip, and felt the lung cancer set in. No, I didn't literally have ashes in my drink, it just tasted like that D:

A few weeks ago, a baby pooped on me, btw. The next time the parents came in they gave me a Target gift card though, so yay for babies explosively shitting all over meeee! I had a spare change of work clothes in my car too, so that was pretty convenient. Tomorrow I think I'm going to go to Target and get a new Olive Oil Bottle, that is cute and pretty and possibly blue or brown rather than clear. My old one is super ghetto so I threw it away before I wasted any more olive oil as accidental moisturizer for my hands while making chicken on the stove. I'll probably pick up a few heres and there's while I'm there, too. Why? Because I'm that hopeless when it comes to shopping. No wonder my husband never let me go shopping alone D: lmao But I'll only buy stuff that's on sale and that I know I need! Like floating shelves and battery tea light candles. And Toilet paper... and maybe some other shit that I don't really need but it's cheap and cute *fml I'm useless.*

Next month I go home! And I stop working until after Mark is home! Less than four months lefttttttt ahhhhhhhhh I'm sooo fucking excited about how soon it will be before he gets home, especially how fast it will go with me going home for all the holidays, and the painting and yardwork I'll be doing to prep the house for his return! I don't know though... I might be more excited to see my nephew so much D: Okay, I'm more excited to see my husband, but my nephew is closer right now so he's my temporary finish line :D I already know what I'm getting him for Christmas. I might get it before then though... because I want to be the Aunt that buys him a bazillion things every time she visits so that he loves me more than mommy baahaha I'm not going to say what I'm getting him, because I know my sister reads my blog. I doubt she'll remember this, so I'll say this one thing. It was one of my favorite toys growing up, and he shares the interest as much as I did, so I'm sure he'll love it to. I have to buy it used, but even used it's going to be like 40 bucks since it's "collectable". I've found a few that are in "like new" condition online, so I don't really think that buying it "used" is a big deal. Especially since the toy is like 15 years old, so it's going to be kinda hard to find one brand spankin' new anyway lol. As long as the talk box works I'm fine :) I kind of want to get him a train set for Christmas, but I'm afraid he'll be too small to enjoy it, and that I should wait until he's like 3 or 4 for that. Idk, I'm rambling now.

G'nite!

And You Ought To See Her Fly.

So I was pretty busy yesterday, I've got a lot of doubles this week, so I wasn't able to write like I wanted to. I realize I wrote on the 11th, but I really wanted to write on the 12th as well... Why? Uhhh it's my damn birthday you horrible people! How dare you not know that! (I'm not even sure there was a way for you guys TO know that lol).

What did I get, you ask? Well you already know what Mark got me (from This blog entry!) But what else did my lovely lovies get me? Well work gave me a double shift and an Open House day xD (I don't mind, minus having to still til 7:30pm -__-). My awesome mom and dad gave me a gift card to Kirkland's (only the best place on this blue earth. Yes blue... it's like a bazillion % water... not land!). I went shopping on the 11th with that and found this AMAZING desk. It's a corner desk, perfect stain to match the rest of my living room, and perfectly sized for my laptop and the corner of my living room (: I am in love with it.

Also, I don't know if I said this already, I got the Urban Decay Naked Palette! I ADORE it <3 <3 <3 It is sooo amazing. I know a lot of people didn't like it because it's got such simple colors, but I never buy eyeshadow, so this was the PERFECT starter for me, since I'm only comfortable wearing neutral colors on my lids on any ole' day kinda days (especially to work since I work with children). It's got every single color I'm happy with. It's perfect for brown eyes, IMO, because yes it has all the pale pink, then brown, black, grey... but it also has a couple purple shades, and then one blue shade that probably shows up more black than blue lol. Idk, I haven't used that one yet. I cannot speak highly enough of this palette. It is perfection for me. And the case is so unbelievably cute. Do not even get me starting on how much I love the primer potion it comes with. So yeah, I'm starting to learn how to use this shadow, the picture on this was my like second time trying for the smokey eye (looks a lot worse in person but perfect for webcam pictures/movies/skype dates with my sexy Nathalia lol). I'll have to work on making it look as good in person as it looks over a built in webcam :P

Well, that's all I wanted to update you guys on :) While my birthday was lonely without my husband, it went by fast thanks to working a lot this week. It doesn't even feel like I had a birthday to be honest, and I like it that way. Less time to think about being (more or less) alone during it :)

Hasta La fuckin vista babies.

Where Were You When The World Stopped Turning...

I was in the 6th grade. I was sitting in either homeroom or computer class (I forget, because they were both the same classroom). Our gym teacher ran in, and shouted to our teacher to turn on the television. Me and 20+ other classmates watched as one of the towers burned. Soon after, the second plane hit. We were all so young we didn't know what was going on, but we could look at our teachers wet eyes and know that whatever was happening wasn't good. We weren't released right after it happened, but not many classes resumed their planned activities. I remember walking into the band class and seeing a girl talking to our teacher, crying. Somebody she knew was either in or near the towers. I didn't hear who, or exactly where. I remember coming home that day (early), and watching the news. I was just standing in front of the television watching what I had seen earlier that day happen over and over again. By then I was able to hear what exactly was going on. There had been a terrorist attack. I wasn't entirely sure what terrorist were, I had never heard of Al Queda, or Osama Bin Laden. I didn't know that this day would affect me so closely. It didn't, after all, for another 6 years.

This day, the day America went to war, would be the day that shaped my adulthood. The day that would make my future husband join the military 5 years later. The day that would mold my days of marrying a regular "civilian" who would be in school to be a veterinarian, pilot, or some type of mechanic were no longer part of the master plan. I would marry a Marine. I would sleep alone. I would be forced to be a more independent woman. I was no longer "allowed" to be the traditional wife who did house chores and had dinner ready at 6pm every night, right as her husband walked in the door... at least not 6-11 months every other year. I would be a patient, loyal, and sometimes lonely woman. I would wash flight suits and camis. I would wait for those two little words, "fall out", and then run into the arms of the man I loved after 7 long months apart. I would sit here, alone, in house with two dogs who wait by the door every day for their daddy to come home for the first time in 167 days knowing he wouldn't be home for at least another 5 months. I would be writing about a day that forever would change my life, ten years after it happened. I would be proud of the country that I live in, the people I am surrounded by, and the man I married who was selfless enough to give himself to his country.

The Trouble With Girls

...is they spend too much money D:

So after spending way too much money on food, carepacakge items, toiletries, and cleaning supplies I went out again today for more stuff! We still have plenty for savings, but holy moly I've spent a lot this payday... I mean I only spent like 150 on me, the rest was on groceries and stuff for Mark so it's not that bad, and it wasn't pointless things so it's not that bad... I just wish shit were cheaper!

So what did I get today, you ask? Well first I got the Urban Decay Naked palette (yaaay). I never wear eyeshadow so I'm trying to teach myself. I'm tired of being lazy about my appearance. My eyelids are way too dark, they need to be prettier, dammit! Then I got some new bras (double yaaaay). I've lost almost 10 pounds, and I'm still a B cup worrrrddddd!! Now lets hope these next 15 pounds don't put my pretty new Victorias Secret bras out of commission. I've stopped my diet, just eating right on my own and exercising every now and again, but I'm going to be starting it again by the end of October so I know that I'll have the weight I want off before homecoming in February. I don't want to push it too close.

Lets see... what else has been going on since I abandoned this thing... oh yeah... a FRIGGIN HURRICANE. -____-

Last weekend, on Saturday, Irene came a comin'. It was only a category 1, but everybody was freakin' out. Uhm... people... really? It took me 5 minutes to assess the situation and clean up the three twigs that fell into my yard from the wind. Granted, the rest of my neighbors had big chunks of trees in their yard, but the wind wasn't strong enough to do anything but break the limbs and have them land right under where it broke from... the branches didn't move anywhere but down. Not over and into your house/car (unless of course you were stupid enough to park under a tree). My trees are champs, apparently. I watched a twig swing around the whole time without breaking and everything... fucking champ I tell you. I was without power from before I woke up Saturday morning until about 4pm on Sunday. Thankfully I was able to keep a small charge at all times from my car charger on my phone, because Mark was able to call on Sunday :) I sat in my car, enjoying the a/c that I didn't have inside, while talking on the phone with him with my phone plugged in. After we got off the phone, my brother and I went to a chinese buffet for lunch, and when we came back and pulled into the driveway we both shrieked with excitement; THE CARPORT LIGHT WAS ON! Sweet baby jesus we had power <3

About two and a half weeks ago I got that book that Mark wanted us to do: How To Love Me. My friend gave me gastritis (she didn't know she had it when we hung out) so I was throwing up too much to finish it within two days, but I finally finished it and it's ready to be sent out next week in one of his FIVE carepackages. The gastritis was not a fun time... I threw up at the end of my shift at work (which is what made me realize that I hadn't just eaten something bad, when I threw up a dot of blood and a dot of black coffee ground looking somethingness. Sorry for the TMI :P) I was sick for about two days, but still had some of the symptoms slightly for about 5 days. As soon as those symptoms went away I caught a sore throat, though. I so did not miss that aspect of working in childcare again lol and then of course I'm over my sore throat and a fuckin hurricane comes.

My life is a complex rollercoaster of "wtf" mixed with "Oh yay" followed by "wtf! Again!??!?!"

How To Love Me.

My birthday is in 1 month yaaaaaay. Mark emailed me last night (as usual, right as I was almost asleep lol) and told me to order How To Love Me. It's basically a book about the title... How to love ME :D He had me buy two, so he could fill one out too. The next carepackage I send will probably be his birthday so I think I might get What I Love About You as well. Same concept, different focus that also reflect the title. Instead of how, it's what. I want to get him something else too, a manlier gift, but I have no idea what. The video game he wants doesn't come out until mid-end of September (I forget when exactly) but I'll have the next carepackage sent out before then. I wanted to get him a TV for our bedroom but apparently I'm not allowed to spend that much on him lol. Wtf am I going to find under 100 dollars that will own the shit out of his gift!??!? He has a penis... much more difficult to work with than a vagina if you ask me. THATS IT. Maybe I'll buy him a vagina lmaooo (just kidding... or am I >_>)

Today, at work, is an Open House day. Aka kids everywhere bouncing off the walls (literally... we have a bounce house for these days), babies crying and not enough hands to hold them, and their mute buttons (aka pacifiers) keep falling out left and right. I worked this morning, which usually isn't that bad since the open house doesn't get packed until about 4:30pm or so. I got back at 4 until 7:30 though, so maybe I'll break my no spit up no breast milk streak and have to wash my work shirt tonight! Here's hoping! *sarcasm*

I have recently realized I have a problem. Well, two problems. Problem number one: I am addicted to scentsy. If I werent so cheap (I don't want to buy the starter kit o.O) and if I weren't so introverted I'd probably make a killin selling the stuff myself.. but alas I am neither so I get to spend all my money instead of making some of it back at least, by buying them from my friends instead of myself.

Problem numero dos? I'm a fatty fuh' show. Friday, Saturday, AND Sunday were cheat days >_< I went over by about around 200 calories all three of those days. I didn't work out on Friday or Yesterday either. I've been 141.1 (yes, to the .1) lbs every time I've weighed myself for the last week. I am hopeless. But at least I dont really need to get super skinny because I'm just gunna blow up like a balloon again as soon as Mark gets home.

Orly? Blow up like a balloon? Yep. I will have a metaphorical balloon in mah' belly soon after Mark comes home :D I talked to him about how I won't be fertile at all during the month of February (I am the last week of Jan and then again the first month of March, so Feb is just a period and no sparkly fancy baby opportunities). I told him a November/December baby sounds good (if we conceived the month after he gets home, which would make the due date Nov/Dec.) and he agreed!!!!!11!!!!FuckinNumberOne!!!!11! Okay that was a bit much... I appologize. BUT HOLY SHIT BABIESSSSSSS. k I'm done.

More good news you ask? OKAAYYYY if you insistz! I know when mark will be home! Like day of the month and errrythaaang. February it is, so not in time for christmas, but he'll be home before our anniversary and that's all I care about. Obviously, per OPSEC reasons, I can't say when, but if you know our anniversary that narrows it down by... not much since our anniversary is towards the end of the month lol. Positive note? I won't be on my period this time!! Last homecoming I was and let me tell you that was gay as a man with his nipples pierced. Which is super gay for the record. Don't pretend it's manly. Just don't.

So yeah... I think that's my update :) ABRUPTLY ENDS BLOG ENTRY BECAUSE I SUCK AT CLOSING THESE THINGS.

California. Rest In Peace.

Looks like I'll be sticking to North Carolina & Florida beaches for a bit longer. We're staying in Jacksonville. Mark put on his reenlistment papers that he wants California as his second option, and 204 - the non deployable squadron - as his first choice. I'm happy with the decision because that means he wont be deploying for at least another 4 or so years after he gets back, because he'll be applying for the MEPs program (to be come an officer) and then he's going to go to school to be a pilot, which means another 3 or so years at 204 while he's earning his wings. I'm sad that I wont get to be with my friends in Cali, but I've been hanging out with one of Mark's friend's ex girlfriends every so often, and we hung out again today and plan on hanging out again on Thursday. She talks a lot, which is nice because I'm pretty boring, and she's always pretty positive. I like hanging out with her :) Hopefully we aren't all talk and we actually do start to hang out more... it would be nice to have a good friend that I don't need to log online to talk to, or use google plus to "hang out" with lol. I need somebody here to keep me busy. I love the friends I have no, they're amazing and wonderfully skanky, but I just need that human interaction too. That's what I was looking forward to about California, but I really need to stop thinking about what could have been and start planning what will be. I need to build more relationships here after a year of warding them off for fear of PCSing and having to leave everything again. I don't have to block potential friends out anymore :)

Not much went on this past week, but yesterday I spent the majority of the night pooping my pants from the thunder/lightening storm we had. It was BAD. I had to get off the computer for a good two hours because I was sitting here, minding my own boring business when EVERYTHING went white for a split second, and then BOOM! WickedTittieFuzz mate. Lightening struck RIGHT outside of my back door... wait... THE back door... my sounds awkward. Anyways... where I was sitting was literally three feet away from the backdoor... so I had to have been 5 feet away from where the bolt hit. Girl 'bout lost her damn mind. Auto was RIGHT next to the door, wanting to go outside because he's a dumb fuck and everything. I ran into the hallways and called for them so I could cough my lady balls back out of hiding to go anywhere else and know that my puppies weren't being turned into fried chicken because they're stupid and wanted to play in the death rain. What an eventful night. At least I got bored enough to download Limitless (which was bomb as fuck btw.)

Today I woke up to a text from Marissa, asking if I wanted to come to the pool with her. It was supposed to rain again today and tomorrow, but it was really nice outside so I took full advantage of that and got out of bed, asked my brother to get up so the dogs weren't stuck in their kennels all afternoon, and headed out. I didn't even brush my hair I was so in the "I'm gunna get tan" zone. I did, however, put on my non-water-proof mascara and then told myself I was a moron after jumping into the pool and remembering I planned on not getting my face wet -_____-

Then I came home and cooked a bomb ass dinner (AMAAAZING Bacon Wrapped Chicken Recipe). I even got to hear from my husband today! That made my day go from good to amazing. Usually on my days off I just sit around and do nothing... I'm so glad that I actually was able to really make use of my day off... oh wait... Shit. I forgot to do laundry.

Gotta have me my boats n hoes.

Yaaaay for another skype daaate <3

I should get another tomorrow, hopefully :D We talked for about an hour, mostly about nothing and everything as usual. Now he wants a boat -____- lol. I'd rather him have a boat than another fast car though, so I'm definitely pushing for him to get a boat when we get to California. He doesn't like me working when he's home since we don't really need me to work in the first place, so a second car isn't that big of a deal to me right now. We can always afford to get me a second car if it becomes too much of a hassle, since his reenlistment bonus will be paying off his 2010 Focus, and we'll be selling his truck once he's home since that was just a big mistake of a money pit that the car dealers were nice enough to completely hide from us >:( F U Gary's. So yeah, boat is so happening. Nothing big, just big enough for us to have 6 or so people. He sent me a link to one he likes, and it's $5,500. It looks really nice too. I can wait to get one. I might want something a little bigger, so I can take some of my friends out and we can all lay out on it or something, though. Maybe spend a little more to get something a bit more substantial, I don't know. I'm sure Mark won't mind me asking for something better lol.

This Friday was "Costume Day" at work. I made myself a mario costume that was pretty friggin epic if you ask me:

I definately spruced up the 'stache for the big day, though. It was full blown certified mario-tastic.

Today I cleaned my kitchen counters. It took me an hour -____- I took everything off of them, cleaned the counters, stove, and the stainless backsplash behind the stove. Then I did the dishes (le gasp), and put everything back on the counters in the perfect place. Then I went through the junk drawer and took care uh bidnis in there. It's so neat now :) And I have so much more counter space now that I put things in better places. I still really want to install another cabinet next to the damn fridge, above the microwave, though. I just need more counter space. OH! That reminds me, I was going to look for a cute little dishes set that comes in one of those plate holders that you can set on our counter! **off to google and amazon**

Okay okay, I'll wait until I'm done blogging to shop online and get myself into trouble lol.

I woke up around noon, ate two eggs and half of a whole bagel, toasted and buttered... and then I went to work on the kitchen, so I didn't eat a second meal today D: But I made up for that by going to Chick-Fil-A about an hour ago and gettin' me my Spicy Chicken Delux. Insert swoon. That shit has become my new obsession. I eat one like twice a month! It's only 570 calories (ignore the fact that it's probably got a bazillion times the sodium I'm supposed to eat) and it fills me up so it's the perfect dinner for me.

Now I'm just chillin' watchin Hoarders (well I had to pause it so I could blog, I kept getting distracted) and now, since this has reminded me, I'm off to online shop :) Yaaaaaay.

I wanna touch the earth. I wanna break it in my hands.

That's how I feel right now. Not in a free spirit kind of way... in a literal way.

I want this all to be over. No more ports, no more surprises, no more deployment. I want my husband back. I'm tired of being alone, and I'm tired of pretending I have it all together when inside I just want to break everything around me. I'm tired of being tough.

I want to go out and have fun. I want to go to a movie. I want to go go-kart racing. Hell, I want to go and do ANYTHING but nothing. And I want to do all of that with my husband. I have no friends here, no family. It's just me and two dogs that eat everything because their momma can't give them the attention they're used to.

I want to stop worrying about saving money. I want to spend some every now and then too. I want to buy new clothes, and new video games. I want to go out to eat with friends too. I want to DRINK. You know what... that sounds like an excellent idea... Irish Creme & Butterscotch schnapps is about to me in my hand...... And it's right next to me now..... And now it's in my belly. Well I added four shots for it, so probably 1 of the 4 shots in in my belly anyway. It's about to be all in my belly... and there it went. If only the schnapps were easier on my throat, and those four shots didn't make me go over my calorie limit for today by 80 calories. Anyway... where were we.

Today just is not my day. Moments of weakness, we'll call it. I'm PMSing so I'm sure that has a lot to do with it. I just want to go to bed, but I'm clinging to the thought that Mark might call tonight since he said he'd call when he wakes up... so I should get a call before or around midnight at the latest. I'm also clinging to the possibility of him getting on Skype with me before I go to work tomorrow... which I so desperately need right now. He pulled a douche bag move (again) this port, and I really just want to be happy that he's having fun, but it's hard when my social life is dying because I want to save, and his is thriving because he wants to spend every port... but that's not what I came on here to talk about.

I'm just tired of being the person that everybody looks at and says "Wow, you're taking this deployment really well!" It makes me proud that people think that of me, it really does feel good... but I know it's not true. To be honest, the original reason I came on to blog was to make a list of all the things that make me happy right now... to try and help myself get out of this funk... but right now I just need to be weak. I need to vent it out, and it needs to be heard, even if nobody is listening. I am not as strong as everybody thinks I am. I am hurting just as much as all of you are... I've just gotten used to being able to cover my feelings up with a smile.

Am I The Only One Who Wants To Have Fun Tonight??

Uhg... I need friends D: lol how sad does that sound? I can't wait for september, when my co-worker turns 21! She said she probably wasn't going to go out, but I'm making sure our asses get lit as fuck haha I haven't drank in a pretty long time, I rarely drink as it is, but I've been longing to chase a shot (or three) of tequila with a swig of red bull & vodka. I'll probably have her take a trip with me to Top Hat, since it's a quieter bar with pool tables and a karaoke bar that DH and I used to go to with a couple of our friends before they left us for San Diego (that's who we're chasing with our PCSing to San Diego lol.) I'm pretty excited about that whole thing... my calorie counter isn't though, I'm sure. Opps!

So I weighed myself a few days ago, and as you can see my ticker has gone from 0 lbs lost to 4 lbs lost! In only ten days! I think I'll start weighing myself more often, maybe every monday? I like seeing that number go up, and I especially cannot wait for it to finally hit 19 pounds, which means I'll be at 130!! I should be there by september, even though I usually ignore calorie counting every other week or so. Yesterday I ate about 1700 calories... I'm only supposed to eat 1200 a day. Again, Opps!

Oh and I finally got my eyes examed today! Monday my coloured contacts will be ordered and hopefully here before long! Of course, I will post bookuu pictures of me and my green eyes. The women asked what color, I said green... but there is hazel green and jade green. Bitch best have put jade green or I'm gunna spaz out.... I didn't know there were two different greens until I got home... this is why I hate walmart, and that was the first time I went there in 4 months. I needed more stuff that Walmart would have, but I went to Target instead. I'm just too lazy to make an appointment to get my eyes done and Walmart is the only place I knew to go that I didn't need an appointment for. I know, I'm a disgrace to non-Walmart shoppers everywhere. I will say it one last time... wait for it... here it comes... you ready?... Opps!

I'll come back when you call me, no need to say goodbye.

Okay I LOVE Regina Spektor... so now why the fuck have I never heard this song before?

The Call

I love how abrupt yet delicate her voice is, and this song really hits close to home <3

I found it while looking for cute lyrics for this title, since I was going to start off complaining about how I didn't get a phone call from Dh this weekend yes, like he said he'd try to do lol

I don't have much to write about, but I haven't written in "a minute" as you youngins like to say... so I felt it was my duty to write something... anything.

So yeah... hmm... something else to write about... something something something...

I'm finishing up a couple carepackages tonight? Yeah! That's something to talk about! I've had two boxes waiting to leave, but DH made our checking account broke, and I didn't want to go into our savings so I just waiting until our next payday (which just came a few days ago, woot) so I could send them with my next two boxes.

Fruit? √

Nothing else? √

lol I'm going to go to Walmart soon to get the rest :P Flash drives, razors, The Tudors box set, (hopefully they have it...) Camelot Season 1, some mio, plastic spoons... and I think I'll sneak some nature valley crunchy granola bars in there for him to indulge in as well :P

Tomorrow is Open House at my job, so I'll be working in the morning, then working the open house, and hopefully I'll be so busy that I won't eat TOO big of a meal for lunch so that I can eat this skillet meal I got... steak & pasta gorgonzola or something like that? lol. It's 730 calories a serving, so this shit better be worth my not just getting a Spicy Chicken Sandwhich from Chick-fil-a instead!

The weather as been awesome lately, as well. Upper 80's. Here soon I'll be able to just leave the windows open and turn off the a/c <3 I can't wait. That's my favorite time, all that fresh air? Uhgg I'm melting just thinking about it!

It only hurts when I breath.

My abs hurt so goood. I worked out again, second day in a row when I usually only work out every other day. I kind of want to go back to the gym and do more cardio o.O I might start going every day... I feel like even though I get bored while I'm there, afterwards I can't wait to go back. I worked out with a co-worker today, and we did ab work outs, which I haven't added onto my routine yet; I've only been doing cardio. I'm going to slowly add working out my upper body to that as well, but my upper body is weak as shit balls, so with time it will come, I'm sure. Today I did something I've never been able to do... I lasted 10 minutes on this half stair climber half elliptical type machine! I'm usually internally screaming bloody murder by 4 minutes, but this time I went ten and probably could have done five more o.O And that was only the third time I've used that machine! I'm learning how to block out the "pain" :D Much quicker than I'm usually able to numb my pain. I've always noticed I could choose to feel pain and not, like with tattoos, needles, dental tools (insert suspicious look here), but of course the burn of working out is a little more of a challenge for me, since I never really worked out regularly before these past few weeks. I really hope my motivation continues. I even found a new ab work out machine that I enjoy. You know how you do sit ups with a ball and throw it to your partener who stands in front of you? Well this machine is like that, only you throw the ball to a target in a little ball return thing. It's actually pretty fun haha. My lower abs still such balls, so I need to find something I can do with that still, but I'm sure I'l figure it out :)

I also recently talked to Mark about getting colored contacts. As you can see from the picture I posted in this entry, I'm going with green. I asked Mark if he wanted me to get green or blue, and he said "whichever ones look more like fuck me eyes" -___- leave it to a man. Green definitely won out by a long shot... so much that I really kind of want to get more than one pair... but I'm pretty sure they're like 30 dollar a pair, and I can't afford that right now. Maybe once he reenlists, or I can have him let me get like three pair (one in blue to mix it up) for my birthday instead of getting photoshop... even though I'll probably try and sucker him into letting me get three pair of colored contacts AND photoshop bahaha shhhh! I almost went and got them today, but I got home and (as usual) got distracted so I'll stick to waiting a few more weeks as planned. I still need to go to Walmart (uhhhhhgggg... but it's the only place I know around here that accepts tricare, and I'm too lazy to find a "real" optometrist) and get my eye exam done... I don't even know if tricare does contact exams, though... either way I'm gettin them bitches haha a year supply of regular, and a couple pair of green and 1 pair of blue if all goes as planned. I am too excited. I reaallly want to get extensions before Mark comes home as well... so maybe I'll suck up and ask for those for my birthday instead of photoshop since I already know I'm good to get at least 1 pair of colored contacts with my regular contacts. The picture I posted above really makes me miss my long hair.

Oh, and as you might have seen, I spiffed up my blog a little. I did at adsense, and put an add to the bottom left hand, under everything, I doubt it'll make me much, but click away m'lovers ;D I also added Google Plus One feature, so you can +1 posts that you like! I also added a facebook "like" gadget to the left as well, so that you guys can share my blog with your facebook friends! I would really appreciate it if you guys shared the love! I'm also definitely open to any suggestions for cool gadgets or other things you'd like to see on the page as well :)

Have a good week, guys! I'm sure I'll post again before the week is over, though, at the rate I've been updating.

I'll make you banana pancakes. Pretend like it's the weekend now...

Okay or tortilla pancakes... and it is the weekend. Jack Johnson ALMOST had it though, yes?

My brother is, as we speak, making a dough ball for tortillas... only we don't have baking mix, so he decided to risk making the tortillas taste like pancakes, and used some bisquick. Lets see how this plays out... He's pretty excited about this whole thing lol

edit: Tortilla's are a (delicious) go! And they don't taste like pancakes, woohoo! lol

I worked this morning, and afterwards I got my skinny chick on :) I did about 40 minutes on the treadmill and then a whole 5 minutes on the stair master in between 20 minute treadmill because I'm a failure and can't do ten minutes lol then I did a couple dance central songs because I felt the music inside of me and all that jazz.

I wanted to lay out but I decided I'd only be out there for like 20 minutes before I said fuck this and came back inside like I did last time I went out, so I decided to skip that process.

So yeah... that's my little update. Look at me keeping up with this shit again (: I'm so thoughtful.

I who have nothing.

I have been an emotional wreck this passed week. Definitely a rocky stretch of road for this deployment, but I should pull out of it shortly, I hope. I'll try to keep the negative emotions out of my posts, and keep them positive, as I always try to be... I think o.O

Today was a busy day. I woke up and did nothing for about an hour, but then I went to the gym, came home and layed out in my backyard, then waited for my friend to get off work so I could go to her apartment on the beach for a nice relaxing evening. I almost stopped by ABC Liquor, to try out the new purple Hpnotiq, Harmonie I think it's called? I truly regret not giving into the temptation right about now, I'll tell you that much lmao I could use a nice strong drink... even if it is girly. I think next weekend I'm going to try to get Jolene to go out drinking with me. I could really go for a nice (and strong) buzz. It all depends on my work schedule, though.

I planned on sending Mark his carepackages tomorrow, but due to unforseen (and douchey) circumstances I'm going to have to wait until next payday. I'll just make another box or two since it's been so long, and I know my damn husband isn't going to spend a bazillion dollars in some far away country. Gotta love ports lol.

We finally got rid of our old washer/dryer as well. A friend came and picked it up today, so hopefully it works, otherwise I'm going to feel like an asshole lol. It's been sitting in the carport for a pretty long time... lets hope the carport is a good place to keep an out of service but (hopefully) still working washer/dryer unit.

I really need to fix the stupid moped that is in the little room under our carport too.. it's an old vespa still in mint condition, so once I put the new clutch cable on it we can probably sell it for a nice chunk of change, which will be awesome :) I think I'll have mark take it to Cali to sell, though... a lot more people there to work with than here. We'd probably get more money for it in San Diego.

Oh, and I just finished watching all the seasons of The Tudors... I got bored after Jane Seymour, though, so I'm glad it's over. Especially how boring the old age episodes were... you can only see the same episode so many times before you get it... he marries, she's either not religious enough, not the right religion, or a whore. We get it. Oh and we also understand that pretty much everybody close to you will eventually die. Lovely. NEXT. It started out so good, too :/

Welp, that's my update for now. kthnxbai.

Another one bites the dust...

Welp, that's that. This morning was the second and last skype date I will have with my husband until they port again. He's got duty for the rest of the time they're ported, so we're S.O.L. from here on out. I almost cried, but he cheered me back up, no problem :)

I was supposed to stop to work this morning, but that kind of side tracked me. I only got like 6 hours of sleep (which might be normal for everybody else, but I'm lazy, remember!) so I took a "little" nap, and woke up too late. I had to take out some money, and then spend some of it so I had ten dollars to give to work for something special ;D I got a little vase with flowers for my side table... I could not find ANYTHING at ross that I wanted, so I ended up just finding the little vase at kirklands. I definitely didn't want to not find something and end up spending it on fast food, I've been doing great with my eating... I was really craving a large coke though so I had to spend at least 5 dollars before I left that parking lot to get my ten dollars flat I needed, rather than hoping they had change for a twenty lol

Tomorrow I have a day off (boo/yay) so I'll FINALLY be sending out Marks second care package. With me getting a new job I've been way busy... I've been living with only 1 working outlet in my living room because I haven't had the time to call an electrician and everything. I'm hopeless without Mark to do all the boring stuff D: I've got an extension cord going from the entertainment center into a working outlet, though so I'm good; just waiting for more savings? lol That sounds like a reasonable excuse, right?

Oh! I totally forgot to share a line from DH that put me on cloud 9... I still go there every time I think of it <3

"I can’t wait to have kids I think about it all the time now; I am very excited to be a daddy. I have a very strong feeling that we are going to have a baby girl for some reason. Which doesn’t bother me at all, I don’t know where its coming from but I just feel like that is going to be our first."

Uhgggg, swoon! It made me cry and everything <3 I am so completely in love with this man.

Well I'm off to catch up on two of my 6 (yes six D:) hours of DVR recordings before I go off to work again! kbaaaiiii!

Ain't no sunshine when he's gone

Guess who got to see their husband for the first time in 3 months (and 7 days...) This girrrl! This morning I was pretty pissed... but that's a long story and I'll save you all the drama... but long story short I woke up at 6am to see him before I went to work, he wasn't online, but he eventually got online 3 minutes before I got home from grocery shopping after work, and we were able to talk for an hour! I tried to get a smoochy face at the end, but he wouldn't budge lol His computer died before we got a chance to say our love and miss yous, but we've made a habit of making at least I love you the first thing out of our mouths because we know we don't always get to say goodbye at the end of a conversation. So yippie, Ashley's drama filled day turned into a good one!!

Oh, and a few days ago I went to Ross, and found the most ADORABLE bedside table! I am absolutely in love with it <3 I'm sure it's not everybody's style, but I adore how "rustic" and "natural" is looks. Not too "I just cut a tree down and made it" but not to "this is supposed to be tewwwtally stylish". The perfect median. I was going to whitewash it, but I can't bring myself to do it (even if I knew how to)

So that's my update for now :) I'm off to do what I do best: be lazy between shifts at work!

I told you so.

Oh, I told you so. I told you someday... I'd forget to keep writing.

Sorry guys! It's been over two months since I disappeared from your lives! So much has happened, so hopefully this doesn't take me hours to write... it probably won't though, because I'm exhausted lol. I'm about to pop in a Michelina's, grab a glass of water, and call it a night..errr... afternoon? lol I fully intend to be off in dreamland by like 8:30-9:00pm.

Yep! I got old on you guys! No more 3,4,5am bedtimes for me... I'm a workin lady now! I got a job! When I lived in Florida I worked as a Childcare Provider for a gym, props to the sister for hookin' me up ;D Well it's been a month over a year since I had to leave, and I still miss the kids and environment like crazy... so I went and got me another job, also as a Childcare Provider at a gym; this time I'm at Golds Gym, rather than a hospital owned gym. It's a bit different from Wellness, but I can tell it's going to be just as great. The kids are pretty much exactly comparable, which I was worried the kids here wouldn't live up to my Wellness kid's, but they're sure giving them a run for the money! haha. It's really great! It's so big, organized, and the babies and kids have a separate area, which if you've ever watched over 23 kids at a time, you know that is a life saver when 4 of them are babies. I've been working there for a week today (last Friday was my trial) and already I'm super excited about it. Working has also helped immensely with helping my days go faster... I can't believe it's already been a week since I started, so I know the rest of this deployment is going to fly by with all this time taken up, now :D

Remember Diesel? Yeah... no balls. He got em chopped off D: He also got a lump removed from his head (STILL no work on anything about it... yay -__-) but he's back up and running around like a menace. That was about 3-4 weeks ago.

Mark has been gone for 2 months and 28 days. He's doing a lot better than he was when he first left. He isn't as depressed anymore, and he's really starting to change his attitude towards the Marine Corp. He's also pretty excited about... wait for it... *le gasp* REENLISTING! Fuck me right square in the eye, I know... but ultimately this is the best thing for our family and we are excited to live the military life. Yes it will be hard, and my biggest concern (here comes the tears) are how much of our children's life he's going to be missing out on, but as long as Mark is happy with his decision, we will be okay. The kids part of it was a HUGE part in me hating that it's happening, but it already really helped because I know our children wouldn't be able to live the life they will with Mark being in the Marines, if he got out. But the part about him missing so much of our children's lives is going to tear me apart... so much that I've actually questioned having children anymore... I know that my mind is just being melodramatic, so I don't put a second thought towards it, but that is just how sad I am for that aspect of it. But like I said, it is the best choice for us, and when he retires at 40 years old he's going to know this was the right choice, and our children will know that they are their daddy's whole world, even if he has to be a world away every other year. I told him to pick up something from his next port (which he'l be at soon!) for me to use to decorate a nursery for our first child, that we plan on trying for either when he comes home or right before he leaves on his next deployment, which would be last next year, early 2013... and he replied that he looked at his last port <3

Also, as of last months I've been slowly getting myself into better eating/drinking habits, and yesterday I worked out for the first time in FOREVER (even though I've only really worked out two or three times before this.) I'm tired of this big belly, and I'm tired of these huge legs and big ass. Shit needs to chaaayunge! I am currently nomming down on a Michelina's Stroganoff frozen dinner... I'll probably eat some cottage cheese if this doesn't fill me up, but that's it! I had (one) Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bar for breakfast, and ate the rest after I got off work a few hours later. Then I had a different Michelina's for lunch, followed by a handful of grapes.

There are no sodas in my house either. I have cups, and I have filtered water. If my brother wants something other than water, he had to make a pitcher of tea lol. I drink an entire glass of water before I eat, then nom down, and after that I try not to eat anything else.... but I'm on my period so I made caramel sugar cookies >_> I promise I only ate one! And I really only made them because I watched cake boss so I had to bake something lol So yeah... Right now I'm going to start trying to go at least three times a week, and then once my body gets used to working out I'm going to work out every day after work. One of my coworkers asked me if I wanted to be her work out buddy after she saw me working out before work, so I told her sure, so I'm hoping she'll push me farther. She told me she pretty much only works on her legs, so that is perfect for what I want to do right now... my legs are my main focus, and if I can get in cardio my second focus (my tummy) should be good to go. I don't think I need to tighten it, since I'm not exactly fat, but we'll see as time progresses.

Hmm... lets see, what else is new... I think that's it lol. Oh wait! I've already finished the first part of my amazing transformation for Mark as well! I got the TV mounted! It's so preeetty lol I hung a small curtain behind the TV so that the curtains flow down under it and hide all the cords :D I also got new pillows for the couch, art pieces for the bedroom and living room (thanks to my friend, Ashley, for the living room art!) and my next big purchase is going to be a boflex for the third bedroom. I wanted to buy him a shed, but them bitches is EXPENSIVE and we're going to be moving in a year, so no use in spending that much money on something we aren't going to see a return profit on when we sell the house, and he'll only be able to enjoy it for like 3 or 4 months! Maybe I'll save up and surprise him with one for a house warming present in Cali (or Florida, if he doesn't reenlist). I don't know... we'll see.

Oh shit, I can't believe I forgot this huge part of my past two months!... me and a few friends have made our own forum! It's called Not So Silent Ranks ! It's a support forum for military significant others, and we also have a facebook community :) So far the forum is still slow, but we've got about 7 members that actively post through out the day, and we're doing a contest on our facebook community, which is now up to 338 "likes", so hopefully things will pick up slightly here soon with that promo going on :) Tell you're friends ;D haha

So yeah, I think that's about all of it! I've already set an alarm on my phone... and every saturday night, 8pm at the latest, I will start writing again! I'll try and post more than once a week, but I can't promise my life will be interesting enough for me to have anything to say! Sorry! <3