Forgive me if I'm young, or speaking out of turn, but there's someone I've been missing and I think, no, KNOW they are the better half of me. 8 months & 18 days.
It has been 8 months & 18 days since I last felt his hand intertwined in mine. 8 months & 18 days since I last felt his lips speaking onto mine. His eye peering into mine. His warmth cradling me throughout the night. I have been waking myself up every morning, going to bed alone every night, and wandering this empty house for 8 months & 18 days without him.
Why do I do it? HOW do I do it? I am so strong. So brave. I have held it together so well. What is it like? The questions I am asked frequently from people who have just found out that he is gone. I could never do it. That is what most of them say. So why do I do it? How do I do it. How am I so brave & strong. How do I keep it together so damn well?
I do it because I have to. Because doing this is much easier than not. I would rather go three years without seeing him if it meant I still got to see him after those three years. I still got to stand in a crowded hanger, looking into his eyes through all of the other eyes looking around trying to find the eyes the lost 10 months ago. If I still got to run into his arms for the first time in nearly a year. I still had him. Love... Happiness. Hope. They are not having his hand to touch every day. They are knowing that even when he doesn't have your hand, he still has your heart to hold on to every day and night. I do this because it is the life he chose, and I will always stand by him. I will remember that his honor, courage, and respect (though close,) do not outweigh his love for me. I do this for him because of everything he does for me. There is not "how" I do this. There is only me doing it. There is no other thing for me to do. There is no other thing I would want to do given our situation.
I am not brave, and I am not strong. I am just good at faking it. He isn't the only one who wears camouflage to hide. I just don't voice how scared I am. I don't voice how weak I am to all of this. I don't cry that much, no. He has been gone for 8 months & 18 days and I can probably count the amount of times I have cried over him on one hand. Why would I cry? He is gone. Tears cannot bring him back. They also will not make him as happy as he makes me. Smiles do. So I buck up and cheese it up. I smile, knowing that he makes me happy, and I refuse to cry over somebody who does so much for me. He is not anything to be sad about. He is the definition of my happiness. You could do it, too. You would do it. I am not doing anything that any other wife wouldn't. If I am, then frankly you've got some reevaluating of your relationship to do. Why wouldn't you do this for your husband?
I am not a part of the silent ranks. I am not the one he left behind. I do not claim to be a military wife. I am just a wife. The future mother of his children. I am just a woman, he is just a man, and we are just in love. Not cutesy little we're so happy together in love. We are in love through the yelling. We are in love through the tears. We are in love through the distance. His arms are the only arms I will ever need, the only kiss I will ever crave, and the only man I will ever love. God forbid anything happen to him, I am confident that I will never love this deeply again. He is my everything, and I am nothing more than his. All I am doing is being a wife.
I've got his homecoming down to a two day time slot, now. In less than 50 days he will be in my arms again. I will once again cook dinner on a regular basis. I will clean the house every day instead of twice, MAYBE thrice, a week. I will take shorter showers, and spend more time in bed just laying there looking into the man I love's eyes. I won't take out the trash. I will let it get full until he takes it out, because I am a lady and ladies don't do the trash. I won't forget the take out the recycling or trash anymore, for that matter. I will use my crock pot more often. I will be scolded if I cook a dinner that consist of pasta and sauce, but no meat. Yes I have smiled for the last 8 months & 18 days, but this smile will be different. It will be brighter, bigger, and happier. I will be happier. When I have a bad day I will have a man to talk to, not a white screen that I can tell my woes to. I will have my best friend.
However far away, I will always love him.
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