I wanna touch the earth. I wanna break it in my hands.

That's how I feel right now. Not in a free spirit kind of way... in a literal way.

I want this all to be over. No more ports, no more surprises, no more deployment. I want my husband back. I'm tired of being alone, and I'm tired of pretending I have it all together when inside I just want to break everything around me. I'm tired of being tough.

I want to go out and have fun. I want to go to a movie. I want to go go-kart racing. Hell, I want to go and do ANYTHING but nothing. And I want to do all of that with my husband. I have no friends here, no family. It's just me and two dogs that eat everything because their momma can't give them the attention they're used to.

I want to stop worrying about saving money. I want to spend some every now and then too. I want to buy new clothes, and new video games. I want to go out to eat with friends too. I want to DRINK. You know what... that sounds like an excellent idea... Irish Creme & Butterscotch schnapps is about to me in my hand...... And it's right next to me now..... And now it's in my belly. Well I added four shots for it, so probably 1 of the 4 shots in in my belly anyway. It's about to be all in my belly... and there it went. If only the schnapps were easier on my throat, and those four shots didn't make me go over my calorie limit for today by 80 calories. Anyway... where were we.

Today just is not my day. Moments of weakness, we'll call it. I'm PMSing so I'm sure that has a lot to do with it. I just want to go to bed, but I'm clinging to the thought that Mark might call tonight since he said he'd call when he wakes up... so I should get a call before or around midnight at the latest. I'm also clinging to the possibility of him getting on Skype with me before I go to work tomorrow... which I so desperately need right now. He pulled a douche bag move (again) this port, and I really just want to be happy that he's having fun, but it's hard when my social life is dying because I want to save, and his is thriving because he wants to spend every port... but that's not what I came on here to talk about.

I'm just tired of being the person that everybody looks at and says "Wow, you're taking this deployment really well!" It makes me proud that people think that of me, it really does feel good... but I know it's not true. To be honest, the original reason I came on to blog was to make a list of all the things that make me happy right now... to try and help myself get out of this funk... but right now I just need to be weak. I need to vent it out, and it needs to be heard, even if nobody is listening. I am not as strong as everybody thinks I am. I am hurting just as much as all of you are... I've just gotten used to being able to cover my feelings up with a smile.